It creeps up the back of your neck when you’re on the sofa on a Friday night. It encroaches quietly like a toxic shadow when you’re with the wrong people. Sometimes it engulfs you and wants to drag you down the back of the sofa.
I’m dedicating myself to writing once a month about difficult emotions that we sometimes don’t talk about. Hope it brings you some kind of connection.
Loneliness, Aloneness, Anonymity, Solitude.
All basically mean being on your own right? Yet each of them has such different connotations.
If you google what is the biggest killer of the 21st century I’m pretty sure it’d say cancer. Though I often wonder how much loneliness would a be a very real factor for so many people.
I feel hollow and empty when I see the word lonely yet excited when I see the word solitude.
I’ve travelled to probably 30 countries alone in my life, emigrated several times alone, done countless silent retreats and all kinds of weird and whacky stuff on my own. I’ve eaten and drank alone in more cafes than anyone I can think of, checked in and out of so many hotels, hostels, and all kind of spaces. The irony is I absolutely LOVE anonymity and cherish solitude, and I often feel extreme drained after spending time with people
It’s the real paradox of being a human. Cherishing alone-time yet often feeling disconnected and isolated.
I’ve gotten used to my own company throughout life. But then, at certain times the deep overwhelming sense of loneliness kicks in. It creeps up the back of your neck when you’re on the sofa on a Friday night. It encroaches quietly like a toxic shadow when you’re with the wrong people. Sometimes it engulfs you and wants to drag you down the back of the sofa. As the dark nights beckon loneliness creeps on in and eats away like a gnawing rat at the pit of your stomach.
My loneliness led me suicide ideation very often. Sometimes I cry because I know how upset everyone else would be, and who would organise all the finances and the stuff that comes with kind of being connected to 3 countries very often. I’m 41. Never in a million years did I picture I’d be alone with no family and no support at my age. It just sort of happened. It’s a real core wound. I often wonder if you stripped back most people of their partners, children, jobs, would the lonely wolf be there underneath for them as well? Do most people live in co dependant relationships, or have family to appease loneliness within themselves. And if they do, isn’t that a bit messed up?!
I am quite grateful I’m not a cat lady… (though there absolutely nothing wrong with cats, I’m just more of a dog type person, and I’m very allergic to feline fur) . I do have 4 of them living illegally and uninvited in my garden.
I’m often too scared to share with anyone how I feel because I’m ashamed. I know that people would probably a. Worry about me (which I don’t want, I really don’t want a fuss), b. Tell me ‘think positive’ or I’ll be given a an impromptu coaching session, c. disown me for not being fun anymore d. Tell me to ‘ lean in’ (if I leaned any further I’d be dead) e. Pity me. f. Be too busy to give a shit.
I had this big idea for me life, that I’d do something big and important, and something that would really improve consciousness and improve the future of our planet. I feel great shame and disappointment at how my life often looks and feels.
One of the things I’d love to achieve in my lifetime is the abolition of chronic loneliness, so what would be the opposite of that? Connection?
So how do we create connection in a world that seems to embrace privacy, separation, separate gardens, fences, I own that, you own this. The other day my neighbour asked me if I could trim my bougainvillea, seriously, DO ONE I thought inside as I looked over at his bald stripped back ugly looking garden.
So, would it be community living? I tried a co-living experience and personally I loved it. Having those 4 walls separate from the main house was critical for me, but I loved the fact there was always people around and inspiring things happening.
Have you, or do you ever experience loneliness?
Where is it located in your body?
What triggers it?
What helps it?
Do you prefer to lean in or avoid it?
What behaviours has it led you to in your life?
The Grey Space.
I see you there all exposed and raw
Needing to be in the world yet paradoxically wanting to withdraw
Nothing feels flowing,
Nothing is growing
Other than the relentless angst in your mind
Not knowing what to do yet knowing that sitting still is not helping
Longing for family, longing for home, longing for support
Yet not knowing where to turn
Only the yearn eating away inside
Wanting a family, Wanting support, wanting connection, wanting home
Tired of feeling so fucking alone
Yet not knowing how to ask. Inside that inner light has gone out,
Inside sits an uncomfortable drought
The heart longs for love
The stomach cries fulfilment
The feet swim and paddle in search of connection
The mind drives you mad in search of perfection
You plant yourself on your well oiled meditation stump
Feeling heavy, labored and like an ungrateful old lump
Breathing in
Breathing out
You don’t want to fight
with this world
Yet the world continues to burn
And you continue to yearn
For that Sense of completion, wholeness, and trust
That everything is going to be ok
That everything is ok
Yet your mind drags you back to the loops
like the waking dream yanks you back in waking world giant hoop
Breathing in
Sighing out
………….
Finally you concur…..
To let go of clinging to the rope
To surrender
To loosen the grip
To give space to hope.
Links to meditations to support these feelings. Get in touch to connect & share
You are loved
Katie
Founder of Align&Flow
Lifelong explorer of life & uncomfortable emotions.
I help men and women to feel more connected to themselves, able to express their emotions, experience profound peace of mind and bliss.
Profound, Specialised, and Unique healing experiences to bring deep inner peace, connection, alignment & FLOW.
Remove fear and mistrust from the body and mind, so that you can come back to an authentic and centred way of living from the heart
Yoga (Hatha, Flow, Dru), Meditation & Mindfulness (to support alignment), Personal Training, Reiki, & Water Journey Therapy. ALIGN- MIND- BODY- SPIRIT & Find your FLOW.
calmer, clearer, more connected.
What is a Water Journey?
